Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
