I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
