We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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