i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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