I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
