I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
