When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
