U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
