Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize