benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize