The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My penis needs a shock collar
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
