oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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