If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
