I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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