I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
