HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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