Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
