i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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