my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
