he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
