dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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