You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
