oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize