Define "chronic" masturbator.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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