Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
