I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is it because I queefed?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
