It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
