hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize