the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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