You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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