forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
