OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
