what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
