Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
