tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
