Betty ford says i'm here all night
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
