My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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