I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize