What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
