I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
