There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
