wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
