i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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