You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
