why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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