You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
