if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
