the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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