I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
