do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife đŹ
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying âFUCK YOUâ to all my spam emails. Canât tell you how excited I am
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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