I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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