update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I see more hoeing in ur future
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