I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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