just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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