i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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