I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
