No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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