we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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